Things That Are Ruining America: Bad Movies

We love movies. The dark theater (minus the jackass texting 3 rows in front of you). The box of Milk Duds. The drink that’s way too big, but you’re going to finish the damn thing anyways, because you paid $5.00 for it. The previews… ahh, the previews. Allowing yourself to leave the world behind and be swept away for 2 hours by the vision of a truly great filmmaker. Trying to figure out the ending long before you should even be worried about that. Analyzing the plots and subplots. Reaching sometimes further than we should to try to find the applicability to our own lives.

For us, film is truly one of the greatest art forms. As you should all know by now, art is kind of a big deal to us. And, there’s nothing better than the first time you see a great film, except for maybe the second or third time. Losing yourself in the art of film is an experience like none other. These experiences often leave such an impression that we’re left remembering the exact days or specific events that are connected to the watching of them. Kyle first saw the movie Fight Club on 7/25/99. He remembers clearly the ecstasy he met as the last scene unfolded, and the musical genius of the Pixies merged with the cinematic genius of David Fincher. Ben can relive the fear he felt the night he saw The Exorcist. The darkness of the night. The pouring Texas rain. How not 10 minutes after the film ended, the power was cut in his apartment, and he was left to sit on the floor in the dark for the next 3 hours. It was one of the only times in his life where he genuinely felt the effects of a scary movie. Of course, the thunderstorm and the lack of electricity helped out quite a bit.

Have we made our point? We really love movies.

As fantastic and wonderful as these great movies, nay films, can be, there is a darker side. As it says in the Bible (or maybe it’s Star Wars), you can’t have good without evil. You can’t have light without darkness. You can’t have great without terrible. We desperately wish this wasn’t the case with cinema.

Bad movies are ruining America. They’re lowering people’s expectations, tastes and IQ’s. They’re bastardizing a wonderful art form. They’re making us question the future of the human race. (Yes, we know we can be a little dramatic, but we wait until we’re tired and angry to write these posts. Somehow, it just feels right.)

And now, for your enjoyment, awareness, and education we’ll list our most hated movies. We’ll tell you why we hate them. We might even spoil the endings so that you’re not even tempted to see them. Just don’t ask us to tell you which one is worse than the others. They all suck.

Ben’s Most Hated Movies:

Titanic

At one point the highest grossing movie ever. Is it still? Don’t know. Don’t care. All I know is that whenever I would hear that ungodly Celine Dion song I wanted to down a bottle of cyanide. This, to my recollection, was the first moment in my life that I refused to take part in something that the main-stream was thoroughly enjoying. I refused to go see the film. I’m sorry to say now that I eventually caved and ended up watching the movie on a date. Stupid girls. I’ve always regretted it. How much I would enjoy being able to say today that “I’ve never seen Titanic.” I won’t make that mistake again. (See Harry Potter) Titanic = bad dialogue, pointless nudity, some of the worst one-liners of our generation (you’re not the effing king of the world), Leonardo DiCaprio’s worst acting gig ever (and yet, the one that catapulted him to a certain level of super stardom), a great example of a film that’s only “great” because enough money was thrown at it, and ammunition for all guys, everywhere, against women… She let go!

Not to mention… you did know, going into this movie, that everyone was going to die, right? It’s the freaking Titanic.

Cross Dressing Comedies
Big Momma’s House (1&2), Nutty Professor (1&2), White Chicks, The Hot Chick, Mrs. Doubtfire, Norbit, Madea’s Family Reunion

Have I forgotten any? I’m sure I have. It’s pretty satisfying to be able to kill 9 horrible movies with one stone, though. Since when did a man in a dress become instant comedy? The worst of it, in my eyes, is the volume of black comedians subjected to these rolls. If I were Al Sharpton, I would spend a little less time worrying about the “racism” of people like Don Imus and a little more time worrying about the degradation that occurs in the black community when thousands of people gather around a screen and laugh at black men in dresses.

I don’t even know where to start here. Isn’t it universally accepted that this is the bottom of the barrel? These aren’t movies. They certainly aren’t comedy. These are bad Laffy Taffy jokes, at best. Putting on a dress, and frequently a fat suit, doesn’t equal funny. Funny equals funny. Can you have comedy with cross dressing? Sure. There are truly comedic moments in the history of film and television that involve cross dressing – namely, Monty Python and Arrested Development. But these moments are funny because of the great writing, great acting, great comedy, not because some dude is wearing a dress. Putting a guy in a dress, filming him, and then expecting laughter is not only insulting to my intelligence, it’s ruining America.

And, if you’re laughing at them, then so are you.

“Scary” Movies
Blair Witch Project, The Ring 2, The Grudge (1&2), Boogeyman, Dark Water, Saw 1-25, Hostel, Captivity, and on and on and on…

I do kind of feel like I’m cheating by including two genres on my list, but it is really hard to narrow this down. You’ll also notice that I didn’t include the first Ring. That’s because I actually enjoyed that one. But, then again, that was before the cinematic saturation of young Asian girl “horror”.

To be fair, the Saw franchise could probably carry this thing alone, but the tragedy is how eager we are to shell out our money to sit through these so called “scary movies”. I think The Grudge is literally the same 10 minute scene shot at different angles and replayed 10 times. I can remember sitting in the theater during Blair Witch… laughing. It really was an amusing film to me. Some would probably credit it with opening new doors for film makers, or something idiotic like that, but the only thing that I give this movie credit for was conning millions of dollars out of our pockets. I do believe the first Saw had some of the worst acting I’ve ever seen in my life delivered by none other than the Dread Pirate Roberts (Cary Elwes) “You BASTARD!” Again… quite laughable. Captivity was actually nominated for 3 Razzies: Worst Actress, Worst Director, and Worst Excuse for a Horror Movie. It was then nominated for a Teen Choice Award for Choice Movie Actress: Horror/Thriller. See what these films are doing to the rising generation?

I see the same principle here as the comedies. Show us something stupid, expect us to laugh. Show us something gruesome, expect us to be scared. No plot necessary, don’t worry about good dialogue, just be sure to kill a lot of people and make it as bloody as possible. If there’s a young girl with a lot of dark hair covering her face… all the better.

Kyle’s Most Hated Movies:

Pearl Harbor

I’ve only walked out of the theater during one movie in my entire life. Those of you who know me know I’m not a prude, so it wasn’t due to excessive violence, language, coolness, cigarette smoking, etc. I didn’t walk out because it was merely boring, as I enjoy a good nap as much as the next guy. I walked out because this movie was so lame, so offensively sappy, so inappropriately far away from what it should have been that I just couldn’t stand it any longer. I’ll give you a hint, there’s an entire song in the Trey Parker/Matt Stone film Team America devoted to this movie’s awfulness.

That’s right, it’s Pearl Harbor. Ugh.

My hatred for Michael Bay began with this absolute abortion of a film. First of all, Ben Affleck sucks. He’s not good to watch in any role, let alone a romantic hero role. That was my first hint, before I’d even seen the movie, that it was going to be terrible.

Second of all, in a three-hour movie, how can only half an hour be devoted to the actual events of Pearl Harbor? Is the story of that fateful day so boring and lame that it just begs for a drawn out, painfully dull love story? And to make it a love triangle? Gag me with a freaking spoon. The real story of Pearl Harbor and its lasting impact is so interesting and powerful that it’s a shame we saw so little of it. It’s as if someone wrote a terribly boring love story/period piece, and then realized that people would pay to see it if the story was set around the Japanese attack on the Oahu harbor. The actual Pearl Harbor elements feel tacked on and superfluous, and they should be anything but.

Finally, I just really, really hate Ben Affleck. I feel justified in making that my first and last argument. He sometimes redeems himself in his buddy Kevin Smith’s flicks, but he doesn’t do it enough.

Holy crap, I really hate that movie. To this day, I’ve only seen the first and last half hour bits. That’s more than enough.

Epic/Date/Scary/Superhero/Disaster Movie (Also, Meet the Spartans)

There’s nothing inherently wrong with spoof movies. I’m a huge fan Monty Python, Mel Brooks and even David Zucker’s earlier stuff. Flicks like the Life of Brian, Young Frankenstein and Airplane! are silly, full of references and extreme performances. But the thing is, they’re also riotously funny, and they’ve become modern cinematic classics.

Today’s spoof movies are a different animal altogether. Lazy, unfunny and uninspired, this newest wave of Naked Gun-wannabes can be seen as only aiming for one goal: striving for the lowest common denominator in taste, intelligence, and unfortunately, humor. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve seen more than one of these terrible, awful films. I’ve spoken with my local clergy, and I feel that I’ve been absolved of these sins, but the painful memory remains.

I don’t even want to talk about these anymore. I’ll only advise you that, if you see any movie, regardless of specific title, that reminds you of one of these, run for the hills. That is, unless it came out before 1980, of course. (I know a previous post argued against such a mentality, but in this case, it’s warranted!)

RENT

Here’s the description I found on imdb.com:

Based on Puccini’s ‘La Boheme’, ‘Rent’ tells the story of one year in the life of friends living the Bohemian life in modern day East Village, New York City, 1989-1990. Among the group are our narrator, nerdy love-struck filmmaker Mark Cohen; the object of Mark’s affection, his former girlfriend, Maureen Johnson; Maureen’s Harvard-educated public interest lawyer and lesbian lover Joanne Jefferson; Mark’s roommate, HIV-positive musician and former junkie, Roger Davis; Roger’s new girlfriend, the HIV-positive drug addicted S&M dancer, Mimi Marquez; their former roommate, HIV-positive computer genius Tom Collins; Collins’ HIV-positive drag queen street musician/lover Angel; and Benjamin Coffin III, a former member of the group who married for money and has since become their landlord and the opposite of everything they stand for. Shows how much changes or doesn’t change in the 525,600 minutes that make up a year.

I don’t want to talk about that movie anymore. Couldn’t hate it more.

And that’s our (relatively) brief and very incomplete list. We’d like to thank all the good movies out there to give us something against which to compare these terrible, terrible pieces of garbage. We’ll be back soon with yet another tirade against Things That Are Ruining America.

-b&k